Supporting neurodivergent families through separation and divorce

JACQUIE LEE: Hi everyone, and welcome to our second webinar of 2026, supporting neurodivergent families through separation and divorce. My name is Jacquie Lee and I am a Practice Development Advisor at Emerging Minds. I would like to begin today by acknowledging and thanking the Kaurna people, the Traditional Custodians of the Adelaide Plains where I and our panellists are joining from today. And pay respects to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, their ancestors, Elders past, present and emerging from the many First Nations across this country.

I would also like to acknowledge the integral role that connection, to land, culture, spirituality, ancestry, kin and community, please in supporting families’ well-being. I'm grateful to be connecting and learning with you all today on what always was and always will be Aboriginal land.

Just a quick bit of housekeeping before we get to today's session. Live captions are available for this webinar. Please follow the link in the chat box if you would like to switch them on. As always, there will be a live Q&A at the end where you can submit your questions to our panellists via the questions box in the GoToWebinar dashboard. This webinar is being recorded. That recording will be available in about two weeks on both the AIFS and Emerging Minds website under the webinar banner. And as registered attendees, you will also receive an email to the link of the recording.

You can find related readings and resources in the handout section of your GoToWebinar control panel. One of the resources you will find in there is a list of definitions for some of the key terms that we will be using in today's discussion. We will be using the term 'neurodivergent' today rather than referring to specific diagnoses, because the strategies discussed have been found to benefit children with all kinds of developmental differences.

Is also aligns with Emerging Minds' broader aim is to shift focus away from a child's diagnostic category to how their context, their relationships and environments, shapes their mental health.

Finally, there will be a short feedback survey that we will open at the end of the webinar. We would love it if you can take a couple of minutes to fill that one out for us so we can continue to grow and improve these sessions for you.

I would also like to recognise the skills, strengths, and know-how that neurodivergent families have drawn on to navigate difficult times and the challenges of living in a neurotypical world that wasn't built for them. We are committed to deeply listening and responding with integrity to their voices and expertise, and is striving for a more understanding, affirming an inclusive society.

It is now my pleasure to welcome today's panellists: Rachel Samson, Roxanne Nathan and Bec. You can find their full bios in the handout section of the GoToWebinar dashboard, I would like to start off with a quick introductory question for each of them. Rachel, I would like to start with you. Which aspects of neuro-affirming practice do you think are most relevant to supporting families through separation and divorce?

RACHEL SAMSON: Thanks, Jacquie. From a neuro-affirming practice, we want to start from a place of cultural humility, which include something called informed, not knowing, just being aware that as practitioners there are things we don't know and starting from that place when we are engaging with a family. This includes recognising that if you are neurotypical, you will need to learn about the idiosyncrasies of the neurodivergent family were working with. It is good to have an understanding of these social models of disability, which takes the view that some aspects of disability for neurodivergent children, parents and families are caused by the environment. A mismatch between the person and their environment. If for example, an autistic person struggles to filter out background noise, and if they are in an office that has a lot of computing sounds, they may not be able to focus and take in what has been said in the meeting. Essentially, they are being disabled by the environment they are in.

We also need to check whether we are expecting a neurodivergent family to adapt to the environment, or whether we are willing to adapt to the environment to accommodate neurodiversity and all of the different ways family exists. Adapting the environment, and our expectations is an important part of neuro-affirming practice.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Rachel. Those are helpful foundational understandings for us to take into today's conversations. Roxanne, what advice do you have for professionals who are maybe less confident in supporting neurodivergent families in this context?

ROXANNE NATHAN: Thanks, Jacquie. Just to add to what Rachel said as well, I think if you haven't worked with a neurodivergent family or individual before and are little worried and don't have a lot of experience, just be curious. Ask that person about ways in which they can feel more comfortable in your environment or lease they would like to receive information. Just know they are special and unique, just like every other family individual you see, it doesn't matter that they have additionally neurodivergence as well.

JACQUIE LEE: Absolutely. Thank you. Bec, what is one small thing that professionals can do that makes a big difference for neurodivergent families who are going through a separation/divorce?

BEC: It is good that we all have said to be curious about your clients and family, while being respectful. Understand that if you have a neurodivergent child in the mix, there is potentially also neurodivergent adults in the mix, even if they are not aware of it yet. Neurodivergent people have different ways of relating and communicating with other people. So, getting to know their communication preferences albeit verbally with an email afterwards, here are the dot points, or in writing, just be aware of how they communicate because it is really important.

Help explain the relevant legal concepts and terms, even from medical models, if you need to. Because separation/divorce can be hard on families. You can support them in that process by simplifying some of the terminology and concepts. Then that is much more likely to be a successful outcome than if you just leave it at the jargon and complex conversations.

JACQUIE LEE: Absolutely. Thank you, Bec. Thank you Rachel and Roxanne as well. I am really looking forward to hearing more from you all today. Emerging Minds has a framework called PERCS, which is designed to help practitioners and parents explore the five domains of a child's life that have a significant impact on their mental health and well-being. As you can see on the screen there, PERCS stands for parent-child relationship, emotions and behaviours, routines, communication and meaning-making, and support networks.

In today's webinar, we are now going to explore how being curious about each of these domains can help you to support neurodivergent children and their families who are navigating separation or a divorce. If you would like to follow along with the framework, you can find a copy of the slide in the handout section.

Starting with the first domain, as Bec mentioned, we know from research and lived experiences that neurodivergence is highly heritable, meaning that if a child is neurodivergent, there is a good chance either one or even both of their parents are as well.

I am wondering, what can professionals due to support a neurodivergent parent's well-being in this context so they can in turn support their child? Maybe Bec.

BEC: I was waiting for the cue. It is important that you show you understand neurodivergent people are individuals. Ask about their skills, support needs, interests, but also their routines and community connections, because many of those things will be impacted by separation/divorce or the changes that are about to happen. It is a stressful process. If you find out what their support network is and provide information about their support, such as community support, GP, allied health, you can help them go through the process and take some of the stresses out for them.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Bec. Rachel, what advice would you have?

RACHEL SAMSON: I am going to start with the need to recognise our own bias and our own assumptions. I think it is really key that practitioners reflect on our beliefs, our assumptions, and also our understanding of neurodiversity. My goal is to sound like a broken record when it comes to this, because I think it is crucial. It is also important to know that a mental health diagnosis alone is not evidence of parenting capacity or limitation. Again, we need to be checking our assumptions when it comes to neurotypicality but also mental health diagnoses. As Bec has said it is important to recognise each family as an individual and be curious about the needs and strengths within the family. Noticing strengths is essential as well because we want to leverage strengths through the separation process. Neurodivergent families often bring keen attunement to children's needs especially when there is a shared neurodivergence. Interest driven engagement, pattern spotting, reliability, attention to detail, so it is important to be curious about what strengths are present. Again, coming back to making our offices and places of work neuro-affirming through things like softened lighting, reduced background noise, strong scents, using plain concrete language as much as possible. As Bec was saying, do not use complex jargon. I think that's a good principle to have when working with all families. And allow processing time.

A lot of people process differently and may need time to go away and process and have pauses to process information that has been presented, especially when it's really important like high-stakes information. Often written summaries are also really good idea, again, if someone has struggled to take in information on the spot. Then having a summary to read over after can increase accessibility. Bullet point the next steps, think about whether you need shorter or longer appointment times to accommodate the preferences and needs of the family, and offer remote options for meeting as well.

Finally, I would say to normalise adjustments and self-care. We don't want a parent's adjustments to be weaponised through a separation process, so if a parent is engaged with a therapist or has other supports that are involved, again, that can be seen as a strength, but we need to be careful that we are not seeing that as a sign of the parent's capacity.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Rachel. Roxanne?

ROXANNE NATHAN: Just to add to that, in the practicality of working with a neurodivergent parent and potentially neurodivergent children as well, and adding to what Bec and Rachel has said, I think some of the important things to think about are asking the client what are the things you already have in place that help you to keep your cup full or help you get through the day in the week as a parent? Try to make an appointment around making sure those things are able to be accessed through the week. Asking a client if there is a preferred day for them, different options for engagement. Also understanding that if we as practitioners add additional stress to a neurodivergent parent and they still have to parent their child, the child is going to pick up that the parent is under stress, and they had less availability for them.

We want to make sure that the things we need to get done as professionals are done in a way that protects the parent's ability to go home and parent. All protects the child to transfer back to a parent they trust after we have met with them as a professional. Having a slowing down of the process and moreover thank about what I need to get done and how can I plan this to happen with the least disruption to the family unit.

If you think 10 steps ahead, think of one thing you need immediately from the client. Do you need instruction about X? Focus on that and then the 10 things you need eventually, slow the process down.

JACQUI LEE: Fantastic, thank you, everyone. Moving on to the emotions and behaviours domain, what is most important for professionals to understand about neurodivergent children's behaviour in the context of separation and divorce?

BEC: It is important to acknowledge there is becoming a general understanding that parents are experts about their children. That doesn't mean we have all the answers. If we are coming to a professional and saying this has happened, I have tried this, we are looking for suggestions for next steps, you both acknowledge that, thank you. It is important to acknowledge that behaviours communication, it can communicate a need, want or stress, and what people see from the outside is the tip of the iceberg. I would caution against assumptions based on societal norms because neurodivergent people don't necessarily act in the same way as.

Supporting neurodivergent kids can be challenging through separation and divorce, there are lots of changes to house, family and routines which can be stressful. Stress can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns, meltdown looks like a tantrum, a shutdown looks like going to their room and hiding. Speaking. Aggression is also common, lots of skills they had previously. Those changes in behaviours, sometimes refusal to visit the nonprimary parent, to an inexperienced person that can seem like the parent is struggling and the child is at risk. Research has shown that interaction between primary carers and neurodivergent children can be complex and those children have meltdowns and problematic behaviours with their primary carer, it is not a red flag, it is the child saying I am safe, I feel like I can let it all out here and the parents to understand and support that.

JACQUI LEE: Thank you, yes, there is a lot of complexity there. I particularly appreciate the point about not making assumptions based on behavioural norms and I think we can apply that to the parents we are working with as well. Roxanne and Rachel, what have you found helpful in situations where parents maybe disagree on their child's needs or the best way to support them? Roxanne, I'll start with you.

ROXANNE NATHAN: One of the best ways I have found in this situation where parents are not agreeing is to hold curiosity for that parent's narrative. They are the experts on their child. Having an understanding that they might be seeing something that is different to what the other parent is seeing when children behave differently in their two homes. What I have found useful as other documentation from a clinical psychologist or a paediatrician, from school, someone to add a different context of what is happening for the child and through their professional lens can be helpful in those conversations around guiding parents around the outcomes they want for their children.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Rachel?

RACHEL SAMSON: Echoing what Roxanne has said and adding that when there is disagreement parents can be resistant to take suggestions from the other parent and often it will be if there is a default or primary caregiver who has perhaps the most knowledge of the child's daily routines and preferences and support needs, the other parent may be resistant to take advice from the primary parent. As Roxanne said, if you are able to get a neutral objective expert opinion early or have other supports involved, to provide preliminary reports that can assist through the court process if families are going through court. But also, to use that information to have a look at what the child's needs are, their developmental profile, their preferences, sometimes the information coming from a third-party can be palatable for a parent who was reluctant to take advice from the other parent.

I would suggest tailored parenting programs early, so you have a shared vocabulary and expectations that can reduce conflict. Instead of one parent saying I think this is what is best for Johnny. That can be helpful early, especially before parents harden in their possession, which often happens in the separation or court process.

The other thing that is important to know is that both parents have a huge influence over the child's well-being historically up to separation and if they continue to spend time with each parent. The best outcome as if both parents are willing and able to engage and practitioners can involve both parents in the supports. That is not always possible but if it is safe and both parents are willing and able, there is value with working with both parents.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Moving on to routines. We know neurodivergent children can often find change and transition especially overwhelming and these are difficult for a lot of kids regardless of their neurotype. How can professionals best support children to navigate different rules, boundaries and expectations across households?

BEC: What Rachel was saying about understanding that both parents have experiences but also a lot of high emotions are going on. Those high emotions can cloud a lot of what we want to do all put up a physical block – I don't want to do it because you told me I had to. Differences in both parents, parents might talk about what parenting is to them.

If you are explaining to parents that coparenting is best for children and that's how they best cope with changes, that is really important. It's not about what happened before, it's not about the adult relationship, bring the focus back to the child. It has to be a child-centred approach.

Co-design and working with parents, if the child can do that, develop visuals, routines and checklists and potential phrases you might say. Come on let's go to mum's, simple things, if they are consistent and you make sure you are not trying to quiz them about what happens at the other house, that is stress on the children.

Ensuring that parents understand and have access to and comply with medications and therapy recommendations. Because when parents don't understand or when they don't agree with it, if it leads to non-compliance it can actually mean the parent is judged as not child-focused and in my case that led to a sole parental responsibility where we both got to see our child but I was the one making the medical and educational decisions. Working together is best.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Bec.

BEC: Find ways children can take their toys and clothes and technology between the houses because they will be the only constants.

JACQUIE LEE: Feel free to jump in if you want to add anything. Rachel?

RACHEL SAMSON: One of the things that I come back to in my work is the preference for predictability and sameness that a lot of neurodivergent children have. Not all, but a lot do. Sameness of environment is more than sameness of routine. What I mean is recognising the changing environment and being across two environments can be incredibly taxing for a neurodivergent child, even if the routines are fairly predictable and consistent across homes.

The stress of transition is something we need to be very attuned to and have support in place for that. Again, recognising if there are big behaviours that could be due to the transitions. It can be helpful to critically look at some of the assumptions we make about what is in a child's best interest typically. The idea of shared care historically has been seen as something that is in the child's best interests, some people really push for 50-50 or a similar split. We need to think about the transitions for children and the load that that means the neurodivergent child has to carry.

Building predictable scaffolds across both homes, similar to what Bec said, having items that you can take between homes so there is familiarity and something that eases the transition. Some of these people will be familiar with the visual schedule whether calendar showing which day the transition is, which day you are at mum's house or if it's a heterosexual couple, mum and dad's house. Shared digital calendars can be useful if parents can use them respectfully and safely.

Photos in each bedroom, some parents won't allow that but when children are allowed to have photos of the other parent, or a pat from the other house can be incredibly helpful for children, holding in mind the other house and having that link. And advanced warning of any changes to the routine is especially important for the families we work with.

JACQUIE LEE: Thanks, Rachel. Roxanne?

ROXANNE NATHAN: My two thoughts are neurotypical or neurodivergent, all children need a solid bridge to cross over to get between their two homes. They can't crossover on a destroyed bridge. What does your child need to get across that bridge and how can you make that bridge as safe as possible? Also from the lens of the family dispute resolution practitioner, over the past couple of years within that space I've seen families that have had to stay living together under the same roof but be separated because of their financial situation and the housing affordability problem.

If you are a family or working with the family where that is a complexity, additionally to their neurodivergent or any other complexity a family might have, you may need to take smaller steps with that family. There may be the opportunity to bird nest, leave the child safely in the house when parents leave according to the schedule that has been put in place.

Maybe children stay with an additional family member for a period of time while the other parent is in the house. There may be different things that can be done during the separation period, as professionals in that space it may be useful planning smaller goals while larger goals around finances and housing are being sorted out in the background.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Those are fantastic thoughts. I love the bridge metaphor as well. Moving onto communication and meaning-making. How can professionals and parents support neurodivergent children to understand and make meaning of their parents’ separation or divorce? Roxanne, I might start with you.

ROXANNE NATHAN: Separation and divorce is an adult concept and an adult problem. It is not a child problem. It is important for the parents to understand the age of the child and what their child can make meaning. You might have a two-year-old child, it might be appropriate to say to that child that "Mum is going to go to work, I will be back." The child understands that when mum goes to work she always comes back safe. I have a way to make meaning of that for myself, but actually mum has gone to stay at her mum's for a few days because that's the separation grief. We are not using the term that I'm going to stay at grandma's for a few days, because the two year old might be thinking, "Why can't I stay at grandma's too?" Helping them make meaning of what is happening at that time. A child at 10 or 12 might be able to understand that mum is going to stay with auntie X for a little while and you will be with dad and mum will be safe with auntie X. Helping that child to understand something that they can pick up from their own life and know that you are going to return safely is what is happening. And the same thing for the opposing parent as well, something they understand. If dad goes out with his friends he always comes back home safely. If he tells me he is going with them, I can make sense of that myself. My parents will be safe and I don't have to hold any worries and concerns as a child. That is what we want to do.

I think of it as rocks in a backpack. We are responsible as parents and we are responsible as practitioners to make sure we don't put extra rocks in a child's backpack. We always walk around with rocks in our backpacks and as human beings in the world we don't want to add more rocks to that backpack.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, that's another great analogy. Rachel, what would you say?

RACHEL SAMSON: I would give consideration to how a child best receives information, not how we usually deliver it. Depending on whether we are talking about this from the point of view of parents or health professionals, it is important have a good understanding of the child's, the way they naturally process information and communicate, so if we are a practitioner interviewing a child or delivering information to a child, it is good to have a good understanding from the parents on how the child best communicate. Some things you can consider which are general, using plain and literal language, so mum and mummy will not live in the same house any more. That might be for an older child, as Roxanne said, you might use different expressions depending on the child's age and developmental stage. It might be, "Dad is moving to a new house and we are staying in this house."

Visuals, using social stories, a what-is-happening-next booklet. This is what is happening now, this is what is going to happen. Small, concrete chunks of information is really useful and that is a theme in our responses today, that we want to be mindful of how much information we are presenting and when, and not overwhelm the parents and children.

In terms of the meaning-making going beyond communicating, children often need help to hold in mind the good and difficult, which can be really hard for children who tend to be more or all or nothing thinkers or black-and-white thinkers. They might need extra help on making meaning of this, and not having that real negativity bias or having that black-and-white thinking that the family is ruined or everything is bad, or I'm never going to see mum or dad. Really helping with that in honouring the child's natural way of processing and supporting that with that knowledge.

Integrating the experience as well into a wider sense of meaning and self through things like storytelling, play and therapy. For younger children and children who are not verbal or have minimal verbal communication, there may be sensory rituals, drawing, different forms of play, and parents may benefit from having a play therapist or someone to assist in that process to help the child make meaning. It may be through figurines, sound play or different techniques that the child is able to find meaning in what is happening. Overall, I think we want children to have a coherent narrative of what has happened. From the research we know that is especially crucial, it is not just what happens to a child or a parent, but it is how we make sense of that. Doing what we can to support a child in integrating the separation into their larger life story.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Bec, what have you found or what have you heard children have found useful to make meaning of this experience?

BEC: Think it is a really important, we haven't spoken about how teachers can also be involved in this process. As well as therapists, doctors and things like that, teachers are early childhood learners, what are they called? Early childhood educators actually spend a lot more time with our kids when they are awake then we do, especially when they are younger. Them understanding how the family dynamics change, and also making sure they are being consistent with the language and perhaps they have the social story too is really important. Transitions can muck up, because transitions are really hard, especially if you go to school with one parent and you don't see that parent for three days or whatever.

I think it also really important when children try to communicate or make meaning of the separation. Children might worry or think it was because of them. It is really important to address that as soon as possible. Our children don't need to know exactly why the parents separated. It is none of their business. And they are kids, so they don't need to know. Try to keep them out of it. Try not to make them take sides, because it is really unfair. It is important if the decision is, that child is going to spend time with both parents, they deserve to feel OK about being in the other house. They deserve, they deserve to feel reassured, loved, save and be able to share their fears with you. Without you going, "You just told me something about dad. I am going to weaponise that now." That's important. My teen's psychologists have also said that when my teen was talking about both of us, they were not worried. They were venting. When my teenagers stop talking about the other parent, that was when my… their psychologist started raising concerns. I think there is something wrong. As a therapist, teacher or as a parent, you can observe changes in behaviours. And maybe understand very is more meaning making that needs to happen or more communication with clear, we both love you, we just can't live together kind of stuff. Bring it back down to the level, no matter what age they are, bring it back down to their level. With neurodivergent kids, it is not just their age, it is a very developmental stage, it is the language ability. Their understanding of communicating and how they communicate out, but also what they are taking in. If you have children who are younger and not very verbal, they hear everything. Please don't have conversations about the other parent, don't make derogatory comments, don't talk about the stress of the support, the separation and support case, because they don't need to know any of that. They need to know they are safe and loved.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Such fantastic points. I'm glad you mentioned making it clear to kids that the separation is not their fault, that it doesn't have anything to do with them, because that is a misconception that we hear come up all the time in this space. I love that you mentioned the role of teachers and educators as well, because that takes us nicely into the final domain of support networks.

I might throw it back to you again and ask how can professionals best support neurodivergent children and their families to build and strengthen their support networks?

BEC: It is really important that any family has support during their separation and divorce. But it is highly likely that neurodivergent families are likely to be isolated and have less friends or connections are networks. Reasons could be a lot of different things. It can include stigma, lack of time or energy while they are chasing around therapy and things like that. Also lack of supports. A lot of us maybe don't have many friends or we are isolated from families, particularly when there is domestic violence involved, which includes isolating someone from accessing their support networks. It is a risk factor, and it is important that we understand there is a higher rate of domestic abuse and domestic violence. If we don't see the red flags ourselves and we don't have people around us to see those red flags, they are also not pointing it out to us. It can go on a lot longer, because we don't see it happening and it can get us into big trouble. Making sure parents are connecting with other parent carrier groups. It might be My Time or Carers SA, with community centres or even online settings, playgroups and things like that are a great place to meet other parents. Even if you are the first separation in that group, you are probably not going to be the last, and it doesn't necessarily also mean that everyone is happy families. Those support networks are really important because we need people to vent to, we need advice sometimes, and you can't get that from your child. It is not fair to put that on them. Look outside rather than inside.

JACQUIE LEE: Absolutely. Thank you, Bec. Rachel, what advice would you have for professionals around this?

RACHEL SAMSON: Coming back to the risk that separation can affect someone support networks, that can be true for all families. Friendships can split. You might have less contact with in-laws. Often the process itself can leave many parents feeling depleted and really exhausted. So it is harder to organise play dates. If there is a lot of stress or shame around the separation, parents might not feel like meeting new people in the thick of it.

I think it is helpful for practitioners to map out the family's support network: who is in it now, who used to be, who has dropped away, who could be, and thinking about the support that is provided from each person within that network, within the map, but also the gaps in support. And also include professionals and services as a part of that. That's really key as well. Often when we are thinking about supports and maps of families, we are thinking of family members and friends, but it also is really key to think of practitioners as well. Sometimes a counsellor hasn't been involved for a long time, or HR hasn't been engaged with a particular OT for a long time. It is important include everyone in that. But importantly to highlight any gaps, and hopefully there is a practitioner involved with a family that can take some responsibility for supporting parents around those gaps in their network.

For the child where possible where it is safe, we want to look at preserving existing attachments, so grandparents, cousins, teachers. Often children are very close with neighbours at their old house. We want to think about ways we can preserve those connections. Thinking about things like hobbies and interest groups and the communities that are a part of the child's support. And thinking about the fact that the people already involved in the network really know the child well. There is no re-orientating too. If you have gaps in the support network, let's engage you in a new hobby or meet people here. We need to balance that with the load the child is currently carrying, the transition they are going through.

If we can maximise the attachments the child already has, that can be a really useful exercise. Also it is really helpful too as practitioners to be actively involved in connecting families with supports, providing a list of people that someone can go to or a list of NDIS supports can seem helpful but a warm referral is often more helpful, writing an email to an OT or a psychologist you know and asking, can you connect with this family, can you accept them.

As well it is important to model self-care, help the parents to connect with the support they need and for children to see the parents actively doing this. Also for practitioners to honour the parents and enquire about the parent support is good modelling for the children to see that this is really important, that everybody's needs are considered.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Rachel. I'm glad within the richness of that response you mentioned special interests and hobbies because we know they are a key source of strength and support for neurodivergent kids in particular. Roxanne, what additional thoughts do you have?

ROXANNE NATHAN: The only thing I can add to what Rachel and Bec said, behaviour support practitioners, I find them incredibly useful when working with families with every level of disability, they worked out some wonderful plans about how the behaviour can be seen and how they can behaviour within certain situations as well which might be useful for you as a professional.

And NDIS case managers that do the legwork that Rachel was talking about as well. Not everyone uses them but I've worked with families that have found them useful in doing the homework. Parents are freed up to spend time with their children or self caring and attending to their own appointments rather than doing research.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. That brings us to the end of the PERCS framework and the formal part of the webinar. We have had so much engagement already. Over 100 questions have come through during registration and even more coming through during the webinar. Thank you, all, so much for your engagement.

If you do have a question, please still submit it via GoToWebinar because we will be taking extra time offline afterwards to answer some additional questions. And this extended Q&A will be recorded and will be available along with the recording of this live webinar in around two weeks on the Emerging Minds and AIFS websites.

To take us through the last part of today's webinar, I want to go back to Bec's point around the comorbidity of domestic and family violence and ask you all, how can professionals that support neurodivergent children and parents who are also navigating coercive control or other forms of family violence? I will leave the floor open...

ROXANNE NATHAN: What I would say about any family facing challenges around coercive control and domestic violence, safety has to come first. If you are a professional working with those family, safety must be your top priority. Safety isn't always about leaving. It isn't always about going to the police. It isn't always about those statutory connections with authority, sometimes they think about planning, planning for different points in a timeline to connect somebody safely to another organisation or connecting somebody safely to a plan to leave.

Really important to understand that sometimes safety looks like slowing down situations and planning for when it might be the safest time to engage another organisation in some planning or to engage in safety planning for a parent and child as well.

RACHEL SAMSON: To add to that, the gold standard in my mind would be a legal practitioner or a family violence counsellor who is neuro-affirming, who teams up with a neurodivergence clinician who is also literate on family violence is really important. It is important that all of these different experiences, that practitioners are aware of that because things can get missed someone is not aware of the typical characteristics of neurodivergence, they might read into behaviours things that are not there and vice versa.

It is really important that we have people with specialist knowledge when there is an assessment of domestic violence and coercive control or when those supports are in place. Similarly, with a child's behaviour, we would like to have a baseline of what is typical for that child, pre-separation. Often again, a child's behaviour can be misread in both directions.

A child who has experienced coercive control, the consequences of that in their behaviour and their emotional well-being may be attributed to neurodivergence. Similarly, other features might be seen as... Sorry, I have a lot of birds outside my window. And vice versa, having someone with specialist knowledge and having multiple practitioners who can consider different layers is important.

It is important to go slow with the assessment process, we are not looking at one incident or episode, we want to go back and look at patterns of behaviour over time and get multiple perspectives and have multiple sources of information so that we can get a clearer picture of exactly what is going on.

BEC: I would agree with what you have both said. Safe progression rather than doing it all at once, making sure the family is set up for the next step. The next step, they may not be ready for another two or three months, they need to know what is around. Professionals, if they can highlight support networks and help parents set up banking or look at affordable housing and child care and rebuilding their lives, if you have a family that has been through for a long time, coercive control or domestic violence, it really breaks you down.

I was a shell of myself as I came out of my relationship. The court system or the family mediation system can actually help people to continue to abuse or coercively control their ex-partner by saying things like, "I am never going to give you a Friday night off because I don't want you to date." Or, "I am not going to agree to you going to this particular doctor." Professional stepping them through at the level they are at, something that is safe.

Also the things they have been hearing for years and start not challenging them because they have been probably challenged in their relationship, but have them look at – OK, you have been told this, is that actually a reality or is it just what the person said? Are the things they said true? Are the threats going to happen? Is it the other person mouthing off to keep you under control?

The other thing it is difficult to see domestic abuse that doesn't involve violence. If you have a parent who has been through that, and it might be obvious to you but it's not obvious enough to the family law system, the parent may have got out of that situation to a degree but it is traumatising every time they send the child into the other house. Because even if the child hasn't experienced it yet or doesn't understand it yet, there will become a point, potentially, where the child will start understanding what the other parent has been saying or doing.

The system provides a right to a relationship with both parents and it means sometimes you can't protect your child against what you know will eventually come.

JACQUIE LEE: That must be really hard as a parent.

BEC: Oh, yeah, it is. When they stop talking about the other parent to their therapist, that is the biggest warning.

ROXANNE NATHAN: In the family resolution space, I tried to work with parents on returning them to mediation after a chunk of time. One school term I used to like to work in school terms, because I thought it was a good understanding of time and how long ten-week seeds, what can we achieve in the 10 weeks, what is the homework in these 10 weeks, let's come back and see where we are at and in the meantime this is how we will care for the children and each other... The backup plan.

Family dispute resolution is flexible in that way as opposed to a family court decision.

RACHEL SAMSON: Consider structuring the time and space and talk to families about making that really clear, you can have a written agreement with as much detail as what are the shared rooms and shared zones and what are personal zones? Consider mealtime rotations, work out sleeping arrangements if one parent is on or the child is in their care during that time and thinking about where the child will sleep, who is responsible for the child, how handover is happening when you are living within the same walls, a lot of detail needs to be considered.

As Roxanne said, things can be documented, it might not be through a mediation plan, it might be more informal, but being more clear so everyone has an idea of the expectations while parents are still living under the same roof.

It is also really helpful for children to have a space that is just theirs, so many kids that will be a bedroom but it could be a low stimulation living space which meets their sensory needs and allows them to regulate the space, an area they have control over regardless of which parent is responsible for their care, when.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you, Roxanne, Rachel and Bec. This brings us to the end of today's webinar. Thank you to the AIFS communication team and the child and family communication and evidence team, please subscribe to the AIFS and Emerging Minds newsletters to be notified about when this webinar recording will be available. Please fill out the feedback survey which will pop up shortly. Your responses will help us to improve and guide our future webinar offerings.

We are looking forward to the next webinar on Tuesday, 9 June, 'preventing violence against women: engaging men from culturally and linguistically diverse communities', AIFS and Emerging Minds will be back with another webinar in June. Registrations for the AIFS 2026 conference are open until the end of June, it is taking place in Naarm, Melbourne, from 9-11 September, it will bring together government, practitioners and researchers to explore how best to support families. Until then, thank you for joining us, please take care of yourselves and take care of each other and we look forward to seeing you again soon. Bye for now.

JACQUIE LEE: Hello and welcome back to the post webinar Q&A for supporting neurodivergent families through separation and divorce. I'm delighted to be joined once again by our panellists, Rachel Samson, Roxanne, Nathan and Bec. So, I want to start by, asking what can help families to connect and communicate when they have different neurotypes and different ways of thinking, such as concrete and black and white versus metaphorical. Sorry, Rachel, I might start with you.

RACHEL SAMSON: I think it's really important to come from a place of honouring different neurotypes and different ways of communicating and knowing that no way is superior to another way. So sometimes a parent might have a set idea about what a child needs, and it might be based on general advice about what children need in terms of emotional, responsiveness or empathy or talking about feelings, for example. And it actually might not be a match for the child. Or there may be a parent who doesn't naturally communicate in that way. And so, we don't want to get caught in these traps of thinking that one way of communicating or being with children or connecting is superior to any other way. And so sometimes parents and children will communicate in a more emotion focused way, where the focus is on expressing feelings and acknowledging feelings and, you know, empathizing with feelings and resonance. Whereas for other parents, it might be about facts and it might be talking about, shared interests and it might be about being very concrete about what's happening. And it's just really important that we don't judge any one of these ways of communicating as being more beneficial for a child. The principle that I would always come back to is focusing on the child's unique needs. And so, if a child does need a motion focused conversation, then it's just important that one person in the child's world is able to provide that for them. And it's okay if one of the parents doesn't engage in that. It's just recognizing what the child's needs are and the ways that each person within the family prefers to communicate.

JACQUIE LEE: Thanks, Rachel. Roxanne Bec, did you have any thoughts?

ROXANNE NATHAN: Well, I'd add is, you're absolutely right, Rachel. So, some people talk in facts, and some people talk in emotion. And neither one of those is, is wrong in any way. It's about what people prefer. And the only thing that I'd add for a professional that's working with children is using that watch, wait and wonder skill. If you're concerned or you're curious about what that means for a child to be spoken to. With that type of communication, allow that parent and that child to use that communication style and watch the child's body language. Watch how they, look or look away from a parent, watch how they distance themselves or come closer to a parent that's going to potentially tell you a lot more than the perception that you may have as a professional, that that's maybe not warm enough or that you might have, a parent that is concerned, the other parent might be concerned about the way that a child and a parent are interacting. You can use those observation skills to say as a professional, what I noticed was X.

BEC: Yeah. I think as a neurodivergent parent with neurodivergent child. Yeah, there are days where we can, you know, say 2 or 3 words to each other and understand exactly what that meant because we've got the context behind us and we, we communicate and think similarly. But then also you've got to remember that all neurodivergent people are quite different to each other. So even within the neurodivergent community, we don't all have one way of communicating. So, you know, what might feel right for a person with ADHD might feel really wrong for a person with autism. You know, and written communication might be difficult for a person who's dyslexic. So, there's lots of different things. It's, it's not that this is a rule of how neurodivergent person speaks. It's, you know, over time, you learn what your own communication preferences are. And hopefully you can learn how to work out what other peoples are. Therapists and allied health people can also be really useful in working that out. And, you know, maybe providing some simple scripts for the child, you know, I can see that you're upset at the moment. How about we do, you know, give them two options? Yeah. Do you want to cuddle a teddy or do you want to hug me? Do you want to squish? So, understanding the child's needs and how they communicate those needs is actually really important, regardless of your own communication style as an adult. So, it's about the child, it's child focused. It's meeting them where they're at.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Thanks, Bec. I like that you mentioned the importance of not making assumptions just based on someone's, perhaps the label that they've been given or the fact that if a parent and child are both neurodivergent might have the same diagnosis, that still doesn't mean that they are going to, want to communicate in the same way. Research tells us that children can often feel left out of decisions about shared parenting arrangements. And so, I'm wondering, how can professionals ensure children's voices are heard not just in those conversations, but throughout the separation and divorce process. Maybe, Rachel, I might start with you again.

RACHEL SAMSON: I think it's tricky, because what's in a child's best interest isn't always what the child wants. And separation and navigating changes can be tricky for children especially if they're neurodivergent, even when the alternative is, going to be in their best interest. So, I think being really clear of the difference between what's in the child's best interest and listening to the child's voice and their perspective is important. I think we need to rest on our listening and communication skills as practitioners and come back to the foundations like deep listening, reflective listening and validating the child's experience. And there are a whole number of ways that parents and practitioners can validate a child's lived experience and ensure that they feel heard, even when the outcome isn't what the child wants. And so, you know, making space for the child to share what it is that they wanted. You know, I wish, Daddy and Dad had stayed together, or I wish that m hadn't moved out of our house and that we were all still living together. Or I wish that you'd never separated. Or I wish I had more time with dad than what I have. And acknowledging that and reflecting that back to them. Even if that can't happen. And so then maybe we also acknowledge how hard it is for them that what their wish was, isn't what has happened, in reality. And so, I know that you wish it was different, you know, it's so hard for you. This has all been so challenging. This is how it is at the moment. But I know that this isn't what you wished for.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Rachel. It's good that, yeah, Bec, did you have any further thoughts?

BEC: Yeah. I think, I hadn't really thought about that point. And you're right. If sometimes children want things that aren't what's best for them. But I think we need to be the adults in that situation while still being really child focused. But I think children having self-advocacy and learning to develop those skills is really important for them lifelong. It helps them feel respected and heard about the things that matter to them and it helps them develop those communication skills. But any questions should be, age or developmentally appropriate. So, if you're asking a child, what would you like or what could be different? Yeah, it's really important to, to consider their age and developmental stage and communication stage. So best practice and guidelines, I'm sure there's a lot of them in the therapeutic world about what kind of questions to ask and how to approach those questions. I think also as children get older, parenting arrangements may need to change due to schooling or sport commitments or anything else. But also, as they become more aware of their experiences with each parent, they may start to recognize or feel some of those, you know, some of those challenges or they may not, you know, connect as well with one parent or the other, but potentially also they may be feeling or recognizing abuse and coercive control, which can be dangerous. And we need to listen to that. Even if the court orders say this, you need to start listening to what this child is experiencing. So, it's important that they can tell professionals where they feel safest, loved, and want to spend their time. And then again, balancing that back against what's in their best interest. The other thing that is, really important is that although age and developmental stages are important, looking at any signs of manipulation or control in the way that children are expressing things. So, you know, when they're asked a question. So, my child, during the family assessment, there were 6 or 7 years old, and they were asked, you know, what? You know, what would you like? Yeah. Where would you like to live? How? How often would you like to live there? And my child parroted back something about it would be fairer to spend time with both of them equally. And this is like, oh, okay, I'm curious. Tell me more. And my child said, well, one day at mum's, one day at dad's, one day at mum's, one day at dad's. So, my child had heard something and taken it on board, but didn't actually have really any understanding of what they were saying. So yeah, it's important to listen to them. Their voice is really important, but we also need to understand if there's other factors in the background, and what is actually in their best interests. Yeah.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Bec. Roxanne, did you have any final thoughts?

ROXANNE NATHAN: There is a very, in-depth report on this exact question that professionals can openly source if they're looking for more information about this, what I will add is, it can, planning can happen either way. If you've got a young child where they're need, they're needing 24-hour care because they're under the age of five and parents are separating. The planning for that child is going to look very different than a child who's 14, let's say. So, the planning for that younger child might look like who's available as a parent between X and X hour, who's got to work? How does money keep coming into the house? All of those more operational things rather than child choice, it becomes more about who is able to care for this child throughout the week. And how do we also make sure that we've added in all the things we need as parents to keep going, to keep the roof over our heads, to keep the food in the fridge, those sorts of things. When a child is older and they're able to have more of a voice, it may be about sitting with that child, either with another professional or just as a family, depending on the levels of complexity and family violence or nonviolence that may be part of the separation and say, okay, m and dad are going to not live together anymore, or m and m are not going to live together anymore. What are the things that are really important for you through the week that you need to make sure that you're getting to. So that might be that a child is heavily involved in basketball, and they need to make sure that they get to certain trainings. And that's a really big protective factor for them. Okay. Operationally, how can we build our routine around making sure that you get to those places? And who's going to pick you up afterwards? Much like Rachel and Bec have said, you know, calendars are very useful for that kind of stuff so that children know when they're going to be picked up or when they're going to be dropped off, and that those things are important to them are important in the planning for that separation.

JACQUIE LEE: Thank you. Thank you everyone. There's some fantastic reflections there around how. How we can support children to feel heard. Even if, as you say, the outcomes aren't perhaps, what, what they would exactly like. That brings us to the end of today's, follow up Q&A. So I just wanted to take a moment to thank all three of you again for sharing your time and your expertise with us, and thank you to the AIFS and the Emerging Minds teams as well for making this webinar happen. You can head to the AIFS and the Emerging Minds websites to find a whole back catalogue of past webinars on a variety of topics for supporting, infant children, parent and family, mental health and wellbeing. But until then, we'll sign off for now and we look forward to seeing you all again very soon. Bye for now.